I had been pregnant for a little over 8 months and to say I didn't like it would be like saying the Hatfield’s & McCoy’s were best friends. I was miserable. I was so swollen that even my flip flops were too little for my foot and so when I warn them it made indentions in my foot. I could hardly walk and I was so tired, it was hard to get through the day. Everyone around kept saying there must be something wrong, so would call my doctor just to go to yet another unscheduled appointment just to hear my blood pressure was not high and I was not dropping protein. They would say not to worry it was just normal water I was retaining that it happened all the time. I had been doing that for two months.
My due date was August 16th, 2007, and I was going to my SCHEDULED checkup, the date was June 19th, 2007. My husband was able to with me that day so we waited our normal 1 1/2 hours in the waiting room before my name was called. I followed the routine go to the bathroom pee in a cup, put the cup in the cubby for the nurse to test and then go wait the room for my doctor.
I rarely saw my doctor, I normally saw my midwife whom I loved. She was an amazing person, so friendly she made you feel comfortable in a situation that is anything but comfortable. This was his rotation day so I was going to get to talk to him. My doctor is hard to describe, thorough is the word I would use. He was kind but abrupt, always asked how I felt but never wanted much detail. I liked his no bullshit approach. Honestly I did, I have had a few health issues in my past and there is nothing comforting about people skating around the truth. He was a straight shooter, he sometimes caught you off guard but I liked him.
There my husband and I were waiting for my doctor in the room, my nurse came in and took my blood pressure, she said it was quite high and at I was dropping protein. I am not going to lie I got very nervous, this couldn't be good and I had a history of bad. My husband said it would be fine, it didn't comfort me, I love him with every fiber of my being but he will never be able to convince me that things are ok when it comes to me and my health. The scariest thing of all was that I had been having dreams and thoughts through the whole pregnancy that something terrible was going to happen.
I am morbid, always have been. Not on purpose, subconsciously. Ever since I can remember I have dreamed about loved ones dying. This is some psychological thing I know, something about abandonment I am sure, but whatever it is I do it. I had done this with my husband too, then he became a fire fighter, the dreams took on another way to lose someone I loved, infidelity. This is just what I do. When I was 19 I had a major health scare and then I started to dream of my own death and how others would cope. Usually I had something terminal and it would be a miserable and very drawn out see morbid. So needless to say I was not optimistic.
The doctor came in with a woman I did not know, he said she was a 5 year at OU medical and she was observing him. He then proceeded to break the news to me and my husband. He told us things we already knew, my blood pressure was high, I was dropping protein, and I was retaining a ton of water. No shit Sherlock is what I thought! "It's toxemia." he said. I was scared and angry. He said since I was 32 1/2 weeks the babies lungs would not be fully developed and that they needed to give me two sets of shots one every 24 hours to develop the babies lungs if they were going to induce me. He said there could be a small chance it would all go down but that was very unlikely. He decided to observe me over night at the local hospital and then if things were the same the next morning, he assumed they would be, and then I would get the first shot and be transported to OU medical for the next shot and to be induced. Our local hospital did not have a neonatal unit and could not handle a preemie baby.
It felt like the floor fallen out completely. My somewhat picture perfect life was just a hoax. These dreams were warning me of my demise, it was true, I would not be able to be a mother to my precious boy. My husband kept telling me to stay calm, as did the nurses and doctor, my blood pressure kept increasing because I was not stable, I was emotional. What did they expect from me?!?!
The first night I cried constantly. I just knew this was going to end terribly. I had those uncomfortable conversations with my husband. I told him if something happened and it was either me or the baby I wanted him to pick the baby no matter how hard that would be. He said, "Of course I would pick the baby." I was so hurt, I felt like he had no love for me at all. Though deep down I knew he didn't mean it how it sounded it hurt me. All I could say was, "Well good." He was smart enough to realize he had broken me, and immediately apologized, and said, "That is not how I meant it." I am sure he was scared and nervous too.
Things had not changed overnight, they only got worse. They drove me to OU medical by ambulance, my husband and family met me there. They monitored me, told me as soon as the last shot was given to me and in my system for 24 hours they would induce. It was a waiting game. I was retaining more and more water, and I was not able to pee, my kidneys were shutting down and I was turning yellow. Finally they were able to induce me; I was relieved, but so tired. I had not slept. I wanted to be able to push him out myself, and I honestly didn't want the epidural, but the nurse and my husband talked me into it when I was dilated to a 7. The nurse explained to me that since I was induced the pain would be more intense and I was so weak that I really needed to have the epidural. Also if they needed to do a C section it would take more time to numb me and it could put me or the baby in danger.
Getting an epidural is a funny thing, especially if you are about 4 days sleep deprived. They gave me a med to relax me, I don't remember what but it sure did relax me. I was talking out of my head, super loopy. I don't do well with meds; a dose of Benadryl could make me pass out for 12 hours. So they roll me into the delivery room suite (yes I mean suite, it was huge and had recliners and a couch). They help me onto the bed that is raise up about 4 feet off the ground. They told my husband to get in front of me to hold me up and keep me still. I remember everything being cloudy and then, POW! A sharp pain and complete clarity again! Then I was sort of Zen. They had to give me oxygen because my contractions were too fast and affecting the baby. Once that settled down, they told me my labor would slow down now and to try and get some sleep.
I tried but I kept feeling a burning in my "girly area". I kept pushing little button they gave me with the pain meds. They said I couldn't overdose but I felt kind of terrible pushing it so much. No matter how many times I pushed it the pain was still there. So I called the nurse. I told her it felt like it was my catheter; she checked and said yes, the baby’s head is pushing on the catheter, its time!
Everyone was in a panic, waking up all around me. My husband was trying to get my mother to leave. That was drama; everything having to do with my mother is drama. She wanted to stay even though we had discussed before that only my husband and I would be in the room. It is a very intimate thing having a child, just as it is making a child, and we didn't want any additional people in the room to experience it with us. He finally got her out. Seems funny thinking about how adamant we were about privacy during the delivery because since I was high risk and our son was so early we had a whole team in the delivery room, about 20 people! Oh well, one less spastic mother was just what the doctor ordered.
It is hard to describe because it went so quickly. I remember the first time she told me I had to push, I yelled a little and she said, "No don't make a sound put it all into your push!" I wanted to tell her to F-off, but I didn't. And three sets of three pushes later he was out. He didn't cry at first which alarmed me, I called out, "Why isn't he crying?!??!" She said, "He is okay give him a moment." Then I heard him, it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, it was pure joy, relief, and hope all in one pretty package.
They gave him to me after that. He was so beautiful; he has such a pretty face. He was scrunched up like most babies. My 5 pound 8 ounce miracle, Lane was okay, and so was I. Then they took him from me, we only had that moment. They said his nostrils were flaring and that they need to get him to the neonatal unit. I had to stay where I was but family was there with me. My husband and both our parents went upstairs to see him. My son was at born at 4:59A.M on Friday, June 22nd, 2007.
Fast forward to about 9:00 A.M. My husband was so great making his way from my floor to my sons, keeping me updated. I was finally feeling a little more energy and decided to eat (I hadn't really at in 4 days). My husband’s father was the only one in the room with me other than the nurse who was giving me some more meds for the toxemia. I finally felt like things were normal again, maybe the floor didn't fall out. I was relieved. Then I remember going to take a bite and feeling like things were spinning. I looked at my father in law and said "Something’s wrong." The last thing I remember is seeing was my father in law moving toward me and my husband and the nurse running into the room and my husband screaming, "What did you give her!" Black out.
I have no recollection of the rest of that day or night. I can only share what my husband said occurred. He said that the doctors and nurses could not figure out what was wrong with me. He said that every 10 to 15 minutes I would begin to throw up and he would have to turn me on my side so I wouldn't choke on my own vomit. He said this went on without a break for the entire day and night.
Fast forward to approximately 9:00P.M. I start to hear people talking in the background. I feel myself heaving. I hear my husband saying more rags. I open my eyes but it’s blurry and the light is piercing. Finally things focus and I see my husband and his parents running around trying to help me because I am throwing up everywhere. I am mortified. I do not want my in laws to see me this way. I have no idea what time or what day it is, I am blank. Black out.
11:30P.M. I wake up disoriented and my husband and the nurse are trying to help me to the bathroom, and I am glad because I have to pee. But then I realize I can’t hold it, it hurts to try. I tell them I need to go now. They say remember you don't have a catheter, too late. I am so embarrassed, what the hell is happening?? I think I am dying, this is miserable. Black out.
12:30 A.M. I do not wake but I can hear voices, my husband I know and two women, I have no idea who they are must be nurses. They are confused as to why I won't wake, and they cannot find a good vein to take blood. They are stabbing at my feet. I keep nodding off, I think it’s my husband that catches my head as it falls forward. Black Out.
3:00 A.M. I wake I am laying the bed. My husband is asleep next to me. It is a struggle to keep my eyes open but I do. Then he wakes up. He helps me move the bed up so I can sit up. He tells me what has been going on with me. I am shocked; it didn’t feel like it had been that long. Then he tells me we need to pump. "What you say??" We need to pump your breasts." he says, "Lane, needs the colostrum. The nurse and I have been doing it since you have been passed out." I feel violated, I think, are you kidding me?? Then I am touched, he is going to be a wonderful father.
Things are a bit blurry after that. I remember crying because I wanted to see my son but visiting hours were over. So I tried to eat a little then sleep again.
Around 9:00A.M I woke again, still groggy but better. The nurse finally brought Lane down from the neonatal unit to see me. He was more beautiful than I remembered, so tiny. I only got to see him for a few minutes but she promised she would come back and help me clean up and then we would go up to see him. She did just that. I was in tears, so crazy how emotional I was.
As she rolled me into his room I cried again, he was hooked up to so many things. He looked so fragile. They are assured me he was doing great and just needed to eat. Since he was so premature he didn't have the "suckle" motion down yet. So we sat there and tried to feed him. After hour of trying since he didn’t eat they used the feeding tube, it made me cry yet again.
We went back to my room where I then practiced getting onto my feet. I was still so drowsy I couldn't get up without help, it took a while but then I started trying to walk. That was nuts, something I did every day and now I couldn't take a step by myself without falling. The railing along the hospital walls became my best friend, my confidant. I worked on it the whole afternoon but still could not walk without the assistance of the railing. We went up to his floor for feedings, then down to rest, pump, and work on walking.
Then next morning I learned that they were releasing me but not Lane. He hadn't made any progress so they would not release him from the neonatal unit. It was so depressing on so many levels, one I couldn't even walk and they were releasing me! Two I didn’t want to leave my child behind I wanted to leave the hospital with him in my arms. Three that meant we couldn't stay with him, visitation in the neonatal unit ended at 9 P.M. If they moved him to what they called the neonatal village we could stay in the room with him. No such luck.
So Sunday morning I was released. To make matters worse my husband had developed a fever because his wisdom teeth had floated up. Could things get any worse?!?!? That meant my husband couldn't be around our son, or help me get around. So I sat with Lane the entire day at the hospital and then that night my husband picked me up.
Finally that Monday they release our son to the neonatal village. He still wasn't eating on his own, and we were discouraged. The sent a nursing specialist to us, she helped me to teach our son how to latch on. "This is something that is crucial to preemies." she said, "This will get this little guy out of here in no time!" And she was right, he started to nurse from me and then started to gain weight, his breathing was fine, and finally we were able to take him home the following Sunday.
I was so relieved to have Lane home, to be with my husband and our son under the same roof. The floor hadn't fallen out, my son was healthy, I was healthy, and my son and I both had one hell of a man to take care of us. He is the best man, my husband, my best friend, and most of all my rock. The floor is intact.
